Radical Self-Love for Highly Sensitive People

***The cover photo for this post is attributed to McKenzie Bade Knill.

Because of HSP’s often empathic nature, radical self-love can be a struggle. I know I have worried in the past that putting myself first would make other people feel uncomfortable. I also felt I might come across as selfish or rude.

Even though radical self-love is not second nature for me, I now understand that putting my needs first allows mental and physical breathing room to love others wholeheartedly.

Knowing your Limits

For most of my forty years, I was so accustomed to putting everyone else’s feelings first, I didn’t even know where or how to draw firm lines. It wasn’t until a therapist pointedly asked, “Do you have trouble with boundaries?” that I stopped to think that maybe I did.

At that time I was fostering a newborn baby with many intense needs. I had also just acquired my paternal family’s dilapidated lake house as a passion project. I was wrestling with being a good mother to my two biological children, and a supportive partner to my husband. This was all while battling a string of what felt like never-ending, nasty viruses for months.

I was truly frayed at all of my seams.

And yet, even though I was at one of my lowest points, I volunteered to host my family’s Christmas party that year. Nobody had even asked me if I would. I just remember thinking that it would be rude of me not to offer. Afterall, I had no other obligations keeping me from hosting. I see now that I was misguided in my thinking. Especially because all of this combined led to a serious mental and physical breakdown.

The Turning Point

After I offered to host my family’s Christmas party, I began to spiral into a dark place. My immune system had already gone haywire as evidenced by a string of illnesses. But I had also become extremely emotionally reactive with my family. I was crying all the time, and I was experiencing insomnia and terrible anxiety. I also unfairly held onto a lot of resentment toward others because they didn’t telepathically understand that I was struggling.

When my therapist asked me why I wouldn’t just reach out and cancel the party, I told her I was worried my family would judge me for being “too sensitive.”

Her response was one of the most freeing statements I had ever heard as an HSP. She said, “But couldn’t you just admit to yourself right now that you are ‘too sensitive’ for this one thing. You aren’t too sensitive to be loved or liked. Just too sensitive at this moment to host a Christmas party. However others receive you canceling is their business, not yours.”

Embracing my Sensitive Heart

My therapist had spent the better part of that year trying to encourage me to embrace not only the beauty but also the needs of my sensitive brain and body. Back then I carried so much shame over my strong emotions, need for rest, and the ease with which I became overwhelmed. I cried so often to her about my desire to just be “normal.”

But somehow that one statement about not hosting my family’s party was the one that stuck. Probably because I desperately needed to hear in that moment that I had permission to finally put my needs first.

Radical Self-Love

I did in fact cancel that party. That one act of radical self-love created a domino effect. I finally began taking control of my own life for the first time ever.

After some soul-searching, I requested placement for our foster child into a pre-adoptive home. I knew in my state of breakdown, I was no longer serving her. I am happy to report that she is now with her forever family and is progressing by leaps and bounds everyday.

In addition, I canceled everything on my calendar for a whole month. I spent that time resting, reading, and writing. In fact, that is how this blog was born. As a result, I was able to heal. Even more importantly, my biological children have been able to bear witness to what radical self-love looks like in real life.

Now, when I am asked to take on any obligation, I use radical self-love to consider whether or not saying yes would compromise my mental health. To be clear, I am now healthy enough for a good challenge. But I am not willing to be so time-bound that I cannot practice self-care. There has to be balance.

The Value of Therapy

The most essential resource in my healing journey was my incredible therapist. She continued to patiently bang the HSP gong for over a year. Her words of affirmation helped me to see and embrace the value of being a highly sensitive empath. This steady effort illuminated my worth during my darkest times, when I couldn’t see it by myself. She helped me to understand and advocate for the protections I need as a neurodiverse human being.

Invaluable Content

There are also two books that I read during my hiatus to which I will forever owe a debt of gratitude.

The first is The Highly Sensitive Person, by Dr. Elaine Aron, the researcher responsible for identifying the HSP distinction. This book is easy to read, broken down into laymen’s terms, and full of relatable anecdotes from the many patients with which Dr. Aron consulted during her research. She also discusses radical self-love but through the concept of reparenting your sensitive inner child.

The second book is Boundary Boss, by Terri Cole. This book is a step-by-step guide to identifying, establishing and implementing boundaries as an act of radical self-love.

The final resource I love to share is the YouTube channel, Simple Happy Zen. I found this page during my period of healing. Vera, the creator discusses many topics like minimalism, simple/slow living, self-care/love, and her own journey toward embracing her highly sensitive trait.

I hope you find this information useful. My wish is that my story will inspire you to begin ruthlessly saying no to unnecessary obligations. Practicing radical self-love opens space in your mind and body and allows your HSP gifts to truly shine.

If you have enjoyed reading this article, please consider subscribing to receive one email per week alerting you to the release of my latest post. This not only notifies you of each new post, but it also supports my blog and allows this site to grow.