Decreasing Reactivity for Highly Sensitive People

HSPs have a tendency to be reactive. We get excited and overstimulated easily, and we feel everything more deeply than most.

Sometimes high reactivity can be charming. If you have a highly sensitive friend who loves birds, their excitement over spotting a rare species might inspire you to be more observant or expressive.

Of course, sometimes outbursts of big emotion may be alarming or feel explosive. When our brains sense danger, we become flooded with adrenaline. This is when the prefrontal cortex (the reasoning center) goes partially offline, and we go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. If you are highly sensitive, and faced with an emotional threat, your go-to reaction may be to avoid (freeze), or become passive aggressive (fight). Because HSPs are conflict-averse, these reactions are common.

The Impact of our Pathology

However, in my own case, I suffered some intense traumas as a child, and those traumas left me with a few emotional triggers. At times when my obligations were many, and my self-care game was weak, the way I “chose” to express my feelings, was less than ideal. To be clear, I quoted “chose” because once the reasoning center is partially shut down, your primitive self (your lizard brain) is doing most of the choosing. I personally had an explosive caregiver as a child, and this imprinted on my psyche deeply. So this is how my lizard brain thinks I should react, too.

This is a source of shame for me, but I believe bringing our shadows out of the darkness is how we take away their power. So decreasing reactivity has been the inspiration for all the work I’ve done in the last year to understand myself better.

Your Trait is a Gift

When I brought my heightened reactivity to therapy as a discussion topic, I learned that the first hurdle I needed to climb was understanding that I am an HSP, and that my trait is a gift. The reason I sense and quickly interpret tone of voice, facial expressions, mood shifts so easily, is because of being an HSP. This aspect of my personality is helpful in allowing me understand the needs of my cherished people. The downside is that I feel the negative shifts, too, and may interpret those as directed at me. Sometimes they are, but they also may not be. The only way to find out is to ask.

Conquering Avoidance

The next step is overcoming the hurdle of avoidance. Often times HSPs feel they don’t want to rock the boat. This may cause others to feel uncomfortable, or even force us to face personal criticism, which is often difficult for HSPs. So we freeze, and say or do nothing. Overtime, saying nothing can allow resentment to build. But this means that one more cranky expression or unanswered text can send us over the edge. For some, this means dropping relationships altogether out of a deep fear of confrontation, but for many others, like me, it can mean becoming explosive.

You are Worthy

The key to bringing an uncomfortable conversation to the table is knowing you are worthy. As a teen I was telling my dad that someone had upset me with a rude remark. He asked me if I had talked to them about it, but I hadn’t because I didn’t want to make them feel badly about hurting me. His response was simple: “You are just as worthy of not feeling badly as they are.” It all boils down to being brave for yourself because you deserve it. If you have trouble believing that, therapy might be on the menu. It was for me.

A Calm Nervous System

The third and final step to decreasing reactivity was to embrace myself for everything that I am, including my pathology, my sensitive trait, and all of my resulting needs. The key to putting space between feeling threatened, and reacting unfavorably to the threat is a calm nervous system. This is even more complex for an HSP because our nervous system’s are more active than most.

Know, Embrace, and Advocate for Yourself

Calming my own nervous system meant becoming deeply acquainted with myself. I needed to love myself enough to listen to the little alarms going off when my obligations approached one to many. Listening to myself allowed me to feel the signs of overwhelm, and confidently step away from the source. It also allowed me to prioritize my personal health and well-being. This all came with time, a solid mindfulness practice, daily self-care, embracing simplicity and silence, and deliberately seeking out joyful pursuits.

Each of the steps toward decreasing reactivity are founded on radical self-love. You need to consider yourself worthy enough to embrace and advocated for your needs.

The Impact

Over the course of the last six months, I have felt the positive impact of the work I’ve done to decrease my reactivity. I become overwhelmed less easily, and when my kids get sassy or do something questionable, I am proud of the way I am now able to thoughtfully respond. I still have work to do, but I am getting there. One of the most important aspects of this area of growth is learning to have compassion for myself when my reaction is less than ideal. Shame only worsens confidence and impedes progress. I hope you will remember this part too.

As always, I hope you found this article helpful. If you enjoyed it, I would love if you shared, commented below, and/or subscribed. These acts of support allow me to spread this message more widely and hopefully help even one person improve the quality of their life as an HSP. Much love.