Depression: The Death of a Caterpillar

I used to think that when a caterpillar formed into a chrysalis, it simply slept peacefully inside. I thought that while resting there, it sprouted wings, long agile legs, proboscis, and all of the other lovely butterfly parts we get to enjoy. In essence, I believed that any changes that occurred were merely add-ons to the living caterpillar.

However, I learned years ago that the caterpillar, once a living, breathing being, actually digests itself. In doing so, it dissolves into a cell soup, which acts as the “formula” to the butterfly that emerges weeks later.

Therefore, in a sense, the caterpillar sacrifices it’s own life, to make way for another.

Metamorphosis Metaphor

I have since come to use this fascinating natural process as a metaphor to describe my occasional bouts of depression.

As an HSP, empath, and trauma survivor, I am prone to dips in my mental health. To be clear, I say “dips” because after years of therapy and mindfulness practice, I no longer fall into the depression abyss like I used to. Without past and present therapeutic work I would not be able to claim overall wellness. For that I am truly grateful.

Nonetheless, I do struggle at times. Being a highly sensitive person in a hectic world is not always easy. When I do begin to stumble, I slowly let go of the daily work that keeps me healthy and strong. Each unhealthy choice begets the next. And eventually, I am left in a dark depression forest, where the only way out is through.

Depression or Pain

The way through depression can be painful. This is why sometimes we stay put, frozen in place.

And this is where our friend the caterpillar comes in…

Of course, we all understand that the caterpillar has no choice in the matter of becoming a butterfly. They carry out their genetic function as the universe has planned. But let’s pretend for a moment that they do in fact have a choice. What if they chose not shed their former self?

If a Caterpillar never Changed

Caterpillars are slow, and vulnerable to predation. They are, especially in their later stages, plump and nutrient rich. This means that the longer they exist as a caterpillar, the more likely they are to be eaten.

Of course, butterflies are agile and stealthy and therefore much more capable of dealing with threats to their safety.

Further, as a caterpillar’s existence is predicated on fattening up in preparation for its future self, the plants it eats are limited, as is the caterpillar’s territory and perspective of the world. Butterflies, on the other hand, are free to dine on many sweet nectars. They can also fly over thousands of miles, broadening their knowledge and view of the world.

Depression as an Alarm

I choose to trust that my depression is an alarm. It tells me when it is time to let go of attachments to my current self. Similar to the bodily signal a caterpillar receives when it is time to become a chrysalis.

Early on in my therapeutic journey, a beloved therapist once said to me, “Depression is a response to unmet potential.” This is obviously too simple an explanation for what can be a true crisis in some cases. But broken down to its essence, the idea speaks to me.

Many years later still, when I fall into depression, I hear those words loud and clear. I know there is a part of me that has gone unheard for too long. It is the part that knows there is more than this current version of myself. I know it is time to be incredibly brave and allow the caterpillar inside of me become a butterfly.

This is when I begin to use meditation, mindfulness, sometimes therapy, and even physician-prescribed medication to understand my next steps.

Fear, Discomfort and Pain

I know there will be fear, discomfort, and even pain along the way. I have come to accept and embrace these as parts of the package deal. I’m sure there is pain for the caterpillar, too.

However, I do believe that the pain of inaction and regret far outweighs that of growth. And at the end of a growth period is also the incredible, long-lasting high of having persevered through a challenge, one small step at a time, until it is done. I remember that the whole experience is born from the sparks of potential inside of me, asking to be seen. This understanding allows me to feel a sense of gratitude for every aspect of the journey, including the depression at the very start.

Free Mental Health Services

If you find yourself depressed and need help getting to your next steps, please call 1-800-662-HELP. For more information regarding this free service, visit SAMHSA’s national helpline site here.

As always, thank you for reading. Please subscribe and share if you enjoyed this post. Best wishes.